thanks for listening funny

You will never get out of it alive.”, “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”, “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. So many good ones to choose from for a party ! I read all of these they are so funny I can’t even stop laughing at all of these. Thanks for the inspiring and funny quotes. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”, “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”, “Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”, “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”, “If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”, “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Please see our disclosure for more info. It burns a lot of calories.”, “Avoid fruits and nuts.

Thank you so much. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.”, “Age is just a number. But lets be honest they trash the house, drink all the milk in the place, cry the place down all night and anyway…they smell !

Quincy holds an MBA from the University of Dundee and an MSc from the University of Edinburgh, and lives in San Antonio with his wife Natalie and his dog Oban. these quotes are awesome, thanks for collecting them all. We’re only one God away from total agreement.”, “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”, “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”, “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”, “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”, “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.”, “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”, “I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.”, “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”, “Money is not the most important thing in the world. and costless but quality shoes cows and goats put on throughout life.

Very few people die past that age.”, “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”, “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”, “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”, “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”, “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”, “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”, “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”, “To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done.

She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”, “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”, “How many people here have telekenetic powers?

Looking forward for such more quotes! The almost-never-happeneds.

I should have asked for a jury.”, “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”, “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”, “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”, “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”, “It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.”, “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”, “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”, “Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”, “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.”, “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”, “If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”, “You tried your best and you failed miserably.

See more ideas about Thank you for listening, Writing tips, Writing inspiration. There is no cure for curiosity.”, “Never doubt the courage of the French. I realize I should spend much less time watching the news, and more time laughing. I read them all, and went from a bad mood to a good mood. This cup is expensive! You made my day! I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”, “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”, “Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.”, “I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”, “Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”, “I hate women because they always know where things are.”, “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”, “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. I have erased this line.”, “What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.”, “Always borrow money from a pessimist.

Ask questions when appropriate, but just letting them know you’re there and paying attention to them to the exclusion of all else for a little while is a great way to say thank you for the times they listened to you. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. God’s love is abundant for every creature. 19.

So to keep you healthy and happy literally, enjoy these 300 funny quotes…. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. You may die of a misprint.”, “Clothes make the man. I’m beginning to believe it.”, “They say marriages are made in Heaven. I beat people up.”, “God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”, “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.

So far, so good.”, “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”, “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”, “You can’t have everything. He won’t expect it back.”, “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”, “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”, “I can resist everything except temptation.”, “I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. …

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